Divorces are hard. Rarely is there an instance where both parties walk away satisfied, happy, or otherwise ok. Divorce is the resolution of a relationship ending and there’s often regret at what could have been or sadness over what is over. For the children of divorce, it can be even harder as their once consistent reality is removed and now they have to figure out how to exist within this new one that can include traveling from one home to another for a designated period of time, upheaval of schedule, and/or coming to terms with a broken family unit. Add in the potential that one or both parents may recouple and you’ve got a great deal of complications for a child to come to terms with. In a brief 70-ish minutes, filmmaker Sylwia Rosak (Prezent) follows such a child, Lili, as the eight-year-old grapples with life under such new conditions.
Lili in Sylwia Rosak’s documentary LILI. Photo courtesy of Haka Films.
In the press notes, Rosak calls this period a test for Lili when it’s more of one for her parents as both do their best to make Lili feel seen. The trick is that, from what we’re shown, the father doesn’t listen to Lili when she speaks; rather, he sets a boundary of, when we’re together, we’re going to be doing these things whether you like them or not. Except, this isn’t so much of a boundary but an unspoken declaration under the guise of toughening up his daughter by challenging her each time she struggles. Except, he doesn’t seem to realize that his choices are impacting her on a deeper level and that her enjoyment of their travels, while seemingly authentic, more often comes off as in service of him rather than for her.
Confused? Let me explain.
From Lili’s perspective, the reason her parents divorced is because of her father’s interest in being gone. Because we’re following Lili, we don’t get any information from her parents about why they think they separated except in one scene and, recognizing the technique as a parent, it’s more of a simple gloss over than a detailed answer. So, instead, we’re left to infer that her father’s interest in hiking, camping, climbing, and otherwise exploring where he can for long periods of time created a wedge between the parents. As shown to us by Rosak, Lili spends a great deal of time on the road with her father, participating in the aforementioned hitchhiking, climbing, and camping. Cultures being different, one should not rush to judgement about taking your eight-year-old hitchhiking, but while it’s clear that there are moments when Lili is having fun existing within and exploring nature, one also gets the sense from her father’s reactions to her complaints that he’s not listening to her when she speaks. He hears her words, but not her meaning. He almost always responds by comparing their activities to what she does with her mom, making it seem like Lili is allowed to eat/drink sweets and watch television as much as she wants without restriction (in moderation, neither is an issue), whereas putting her in the freezing cold to explore various tundra is ok. He’s quick to neg the mother and Lili, never once considering that, perhaps, his nontraditional life is good for him, but should be something recalibrated for his daughter. In one scene, rather than consider her physical discomfort when she complains about a stomach ache, he tells her to deal with it so that they don’t lose their place along the rim of a pool at an aquarium. Granted, Rosak doesn’t show us the resolution to that conversation and we don’t know if Lili ends up being ok, but since the next sequence shows Lili in awe of the aquatic creatures they came to see, one can deduce that she’s fine. Yet, there’s still that lingering sense that perhaps her father’s quest to “toughen” his child isn’t taking into consideration her psychological condition. Compared to the mother who frequently tries to listen to Lili and bring her in on things, the father does not. Is this a personality issue? Cultural? Is it a result of the fall that was the last straw for his marriage? It’s hard to say, but, from Lili’s perspective, while it’s clear he loves his daughter, her dad doesn’t seem to make room for her and, therefore, the two end up struggling more than anything. An issue which, any child of divorce can tell you, only makes the separation all the more difficult.
L-R: Tomek and Lili in Sylwia Rosak’s documentary LILI. Photo courtesy of Haka Films.
Rosak’s use of a cinéma vérité style means capturing events as they happen and little more than that. We don’t get interviews with parents, teachers, or friends. There is some narration, but it’s always from Lili and, everything we see is entirely from her perspective. This means that Rosak primarily keeps the camera with Lili centered or pulling focus. When the camera does focus on something else, it’s often to see how someone is responding or reacting to Lili. In more than one sequence, we see Lili’s father grow frustrated with his daughter’s seeming disinterest or lack of zeal for what they’re doing. This could be just a child being a child, but when Lili goes camping with her father, his girlfriend, and her son, Lili starts to take command of some of the tasks that are needed, demonstrating that Lili can do the things her father asks, making the complaints entirely about something else. Thus, one starts to consider that when, time and again, her father doesn’t listen to her and instead either grows frustrated or speaks ill of Lili’s time with her mother, one starts to view the narrative we’re shown as a test for *him* and he’s struggling to uncenter himself from his needs in order to consider Lili’s.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with living a life in nature. My brother-in-law and his family go camping constantly, taking their daughter to places all around the Midwest since before she was born. Heck, I know a family who’s almost spent their entire time as parents of three young ones working remotely as they traveled the globe. There’s no single right way to parent from traditional to nontraditional, but the one thing that the two families and Lili’s father don’t have in common is that they appear to listen to their children. Push your kids, challenge them, and encourage them to move outside of their comfort zone — absolutely. What Rosak captures is a precocious little girl with a good head on her shoulders who went from having two parents to two different families where she’s listened to in one and not in the other.
Lili in Sylwia Rosak’s documentary LILI. Photo courtesy of Haka Films.
Is this to suggest that the mother is the preferred or “better” parent? No, because Rosak doesn’t show us that much of their interactions or time together. One of the bigger issues with the documentary is how unbalanced it is in clearly stating for the audience how the parents split time with Lili, an aspect likely created as a by-product of the perspective. But it’s information that the audience still needs in order to come away with as clear a view on the parental relationship as is possible when a camera is involved. Utilizing Lili as the central character narrows the focus and, frankly, does tell a compelling story, one shot beautifully by co-cinematographers Wojciech Ratajczak (Prezent) and Filip Madej (Never Good), yet it also hamstrings the overall narrative because of what we don’t see, learn, or know. For instance, the press notes indicate that the trip we see is the father’s idea, but that’s never clearly stated for us, it just happens. Is this a limitation placed on the narrative via the forced perspective or is it something that just wasn’t caught on camera? Either way, it ends up, intentionally or not, shaping the narrative that the audience takes in. It certainly helps shape how the audience reads the choices made by Lili and those around her.
One thing that Lili makes obvious: divorces are hard in any community. Lines are often drawn where they never needed to exist, relationships shift, and presumed met needs suddenly fall away. There’s no doubt that Rosak cares deeply for her subject, never seeming to judge Lili when her fears get the better of her or when, in the next scene, seems to have forgotten them entirely. Rather, Rosak presents for us a child who is wading through uncharted waters with well-intentioned support that doesn’t always give her what she needs, whether it’s what she wants or not. Without question, Lili is a hero, but not for the trips she takes or rock sides she climbs, but for continuing to move forward each day with life moving like shifting sand beneath her feet. That’s hard at any age, let alone at eight.
Screening during Santa Barbara International Film Festival 2024.
For more information, head to director Sylwia Rosak’s official Lili webpage.
Final Score: 4 out of 5.
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Categories: In Theaters, Reviews
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