The famed satirists at The Onion have joked their way into becoming a widely-read newspaper in just over a year of physical publication, to which, for disclosure, this author is a proud subscriber. They’ve also resurrected their video production team, which is what led to the creation of their latest theatrical short film, Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile, screening in select theaters for one day only, October 2nd, 2025.
“It was a complete molestation of justice.”
The film is a parody of the true-crime documentary format, replete with talking head interviews, audio tapes played over self-serious macro photography, and focusing on the inner life of the serial perpetrator, not the victims — a very good genre parody. It’s a light snack of a laugh, the same way the paper is, lifting spirits with a chuckle and sometimes even a chortle. At just over 20 minutes, it’s packaged theatrically with an older Onion production, the reality dating TV parody Sex House (2012). Funny programming. But what would have been a fairly uneventful release for diehard fans has become a terrible meta prank on The Onion as Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile has become a victim of one of Epstein’s friends, Donald Trump.
Theaters by way of this film join ABC in regard to Jimmy Kimmel, MSNBC in regard to Matthew Dowd, and The Washington Post in regard to Karen Attiah in the latest wave of advanced compliance with government censorship. It lost many of its theatrical screens in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s assassination, despite having literally nothing to say or do with the man at all. His martyrdom has so successfully been co-opted by Trump and his people that to critique Trump has become seen by transitive property as an endorsement of political violence. It is a failure of the highest order that our artistic and journalistic institutions have allowed this association to be regarded seriously while dismissing decades of this president celebrating and calling for political violence in plain language. This failure extends to the plain language of friendship that we have on record from Donald Trump to Jeffrey Epstein, which The Onion lampoons with the question, “Is it possible that the same Donald Trump mentioned in the DOJ tape is the same Donald Trump who knew Jeffrey Epstein?”
Donald Trump is the real target of Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile with the film shifting from true crime parody to a hilarious riff on The Last Dance (2020). The Onion team expertly photoshops the world’s most famous pedophile and Jeffrey Epstein into Michael Jordan and Isiah Thomas’s infamous rivalry. The cast of talking heads then shifts from investigators and issue experts to sports pundits reminiscing about both men’s skill at pedophilia and basketball in days gone by.
“This will be Jeffery Epstein’s final season with the Chicago Bulls.”
Cowardice is in large supply these days, but so is courage. The Press and their half-siblings The Artists are the latest target of an American government that dreams of a bland, beige existence. Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel are battling to stay on the air. CBS has accepted a government censor who will tell them what the news is. ICE just hospitalized a photojournalist. Trump wants to tax your anime. Major theater chains are afraid The Onion will make you laugh. The Onion is afraid you’ll forget that the Republican-held House of Representatives is still refusing to release The Epstein Files, and that Donald Trump is almost certainly in them. You, on the other hand, can put your greatest fear to rest. Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile is guaranteed to make you laugh. And when we laugh, we win, if for a moment.
In select theaters for one-night only October 2nd, 2025.
For more information, head to the official The Onion Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile webpage.
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Categories: In Theaters, Reviews
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